Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What does a lion brush his mane with?
→ A catacomb!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
→ Miaooooooooooooooooooow!

What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
→ Shredded tweet!

Why do tomcats fight?
→ Because they like raising a stink!

Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
→ They are both ginger nuts!

What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
→ A catameringue!

On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
→ A caterpillar!

What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
→ A Peking Tom!

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.

Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because his horns are broke!

What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium?
→ An aard-shark!

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says:

- So, why the long face?

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
→ A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
→ You can step in a poodle!

What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
→ A petticoat!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
→ A terrified postman!

What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
→ His bark was much worse than it's bite!

What is a dogs favorite flower?
→ Anything in your garden!

What dog wears contact lenses?
→ A cock-eyed spaniel!

What's a dog favorite hobby?
→ Collecting fleas!

What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
→ That hit the spots!

What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
→ I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

Two English sheep in a field.

One says to the other "I'm not feeling very well"
The other turns around and replies "Shut-the-f*ck-up, or you'll get us all killed"