Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there.

- He's in THAT one! - cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

- What did you do that for?! - exclaimed the lawyer.

- I said he was in the other bear!

- Exactly - replied the sheriff.

- Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, what is a pig the symbol of?
→ Any party where there's lots of food.

Who is king of all the mice?
→ Mouse Tse Tung!

What's the definition of a narrow squeak?
→ A thin mouse!

Where do bees keep their money?
→ In a honey box.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog:

- This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said:

- Good trade, Sir!

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
→ Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

Why are spiders good swimmers?
→ They have webbed feet!

Why did the horse go behind the tree?
→ To change his jockeys.

What is the strongest animal?
→ A racehorse, because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!