Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What kind of bird opens doors?
→ A kiwi!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
→ A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
→ A dumb bunny.

How is a rabbit like a plum?
→ They're both purple, except for the rabbit.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
→ One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What do you call a mouse that can pick up a monster?
→ Sir.

Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit?
→ An exhorsist!

How do the fish get to school?
→ By octobus!