Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
→ A collie-flower!

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed:

- What was that?

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:

- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:

- Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!

What animals talk on the telephone the most?
→ The yakety-yaks!

What song to snakes like to sing?
→ Viva Aspana!

There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant.
Four fish got battered!

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said:

- Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.

- I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said:

- Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.

The third said:

- I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!

What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon?
→ A hare dare.

What do you call a pig with no legs?
→ A groundhog!