Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
→ Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

When the crooked hamburger took it on the 'lamb', where did it go?
→ Oh, 'ewe' know!

What does an educated owl say?
→ Whom.

Is chicken soup good for your health?
→ Not if you're the chicken!

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
→ Because talk is cheep!

What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
→ Meals on Wheels!

What does a blonde owl say?
→ What, what?

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says...

- For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him.

- Oh Lord - prayed the missionary.

- Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too:

- Oh Lord - he prayed.

- I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive.

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired:

- Is your husband there?

- Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet? - the wife asked.

- Both! - was the reply.

- We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it.