Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus?
→ You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?
→ Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave the key outside!

What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
→ If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.

Why is politics for the birds?
→ Because politicians always parrot the same old lines!

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
→ The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

What do you call a smart blond?
→ A golden retriever!

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says:

- You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.

The cat thinks for a minute and says:

- Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...

The Lord stops the cat and says:

- Say no more!

Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer:

- All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running...

The Lord replies:

- Say no more!

In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies:

- Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes:

- Brrr!

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says:

- Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!

The gremlin says:

- Ain't got none!

- Well, I'll cut off yer prick!

- Ain't got one of them, neither. - says the gremlin.

- Well, how do ya pee?

The gremlin smiled and said:

- Brrr!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!

What famous pig actor made a movie about Frankenswine?
→ Boaris Karloff.