Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks:

- Where did you get that?

→ The pig says:

- I won her in a raffle!

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says:

- Put this on your bill sir - to which the duck replies:

- what do you think I'M a dickhead!

What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?
→ Auld Lang Swine.

Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage compactor.

How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper?
→ The elevator was broken!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
→ You can't tuna fish.

What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
→ An elephant with hiccups!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said...

- Yes, there's a nasty bug going around. DOH!

What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?
→ He ate it quickly, before the others could ask him to share.

The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host.
What happened?
→ He turned out to be a big boar.