Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Where do fish sleep?
→ In a river bed

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said:

- You're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said:

- You're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a math teacher.

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
→ A headbanger!

Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?
→ Because the captain stood on the deck.

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
→ He didn't give a hoot!

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken:

- who is your favorite music composer?

The second chicken responds:

- bach, bach, bach!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:

- give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:

- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man say's to the bartender:

- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back:

- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says:

- alright lets try one more

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says:

- lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out:

- See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!

And the man replies:

- Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!

Why are rabbits like calculators?
→ They both multiply a lot.

What instrument do piggys play in a band?
→ Pigcussion!