Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure Kemosabe - and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger:

- Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!

- So? - asked the ducks former owner.

- did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

What do pigs like with chow mein?
→ Sooey sauce.

A flea jumped over the swinging doors of a saloon, drank three whiskeys and jumped out again. He picked himself up from the dirt, dusted himself down and said, "OK, who moved my dog?"

What goes "snap, crackle and pop"?
→ A firefly with a short circuit!

Why are frogs so happy?
→ They eat whatever bugs them!

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?
→ Because eggs were going up!

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

- I sure did - responded the pessimist.

- Your dog can't swim!