Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet?
→ P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Godzilla Barbie ...six foot tall lizard with Barbie head

What is a baby bee?
→ A little humbug.

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:

- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not a Giants fan - the little hero replied.

- Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. - said the reporter and starts again.

- Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack - he continued writing in his notebook.

- I'm not a Jets fan either - the boy said.

- I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for? - the reporter asked.

- I'm a Cowboys fan. - the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

- Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said:

- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies:

- Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!

What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes?
→ A bite-time story.

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.

He said:

- You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back.

- The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal.

The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said:

- I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist.

- Yeah. - said the other.

- But we're getting further and further away from our truck.