Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What should you say to a pig on roller skates?
→ Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.

How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul

Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years?
→ It was stuffed.

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says:

- You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows:

- Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers:

- Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant:

- Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
→ It lives on ice!

Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?
→ Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.

How do fish go into business?
→ The start on a small scale!

What has got four legs and an arm?
→ A Rottweiler in a playground.

What's a biologist's definition of a graph?
→ An animal with a long neck