Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says:

- That's three,

removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:

- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says:

- That's one!

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
→ She lays hand gren-eggs!

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

- I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.

- At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?

- Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

- Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

- Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

- Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?

- I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

- When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
→ Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
→ Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
→ Sole use of the elevator.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
→ You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
→ It's bike is outside.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
→ There is a dent in the cross-bar.

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
→ Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
→ To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
→ A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
→ Bloody great holes all over Australia.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
→ Elephino.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
→ Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
→ So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
→ To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Why do polo bears like bald men?
→ Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Why won't pigs take up jogging?
→ They don't like to get that far from the table.

Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
→ The Birds Eye counter!

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal:

- What's your pleasure?

The seal replies:

- Anything but Canadian Club.

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

- Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? - asks a little old lady, terrified.

- Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

- And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? - asks the little lady.

- Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much.