Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?
→ Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!

Who was the most famous ant scientist?
→ Albert Antstein!

How do you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't. You get down from a duck.

Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
→ So he could hide in the crayon box.

Why do elephants have wrinkles?
→ Because they are so hard to iron.

Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
→ Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.

Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
→ Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
→ So no one will recognize them.

Why are elephants such poor dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
→ Time to get a new fence.

Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
→ Because they can't keep their trunks up.

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam. The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what's really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row...

What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snail?
→ The world's slowest vampire.

Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up?
→ Nutty Marietta!

When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory?
→ The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order:

- What'll it be? - the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says:

- I'll have the grapes.

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?"

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon?
→ A creature that stinks to high heaven!