Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is a chameleon's motto?
→ A change is as good as a rest!

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).

The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.

His sick Pa was upset:

- I can't tan that skin without no brains! - he said.

- Now what am I a gonna do?

Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.

- Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and I'll use his brains to tan the skin - he told the son.

The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasn't large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologist's brains.

- Look on the bright side, boy - the old man told him.

- Two more ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- This one isn't wearing any shoes either!

How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?
→ Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!

Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
→ Squidnappers!

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a wasp?
→ Something that stinks and stings!

What is a bear's favourite drink?
→ Koka-Koala!

What kind of money do polar bears use?
→ Ice lolly!

Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army?
→ To avoid the draft!

What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
→ When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.