Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the whale like the diver?
→ Because he had flippers!

Who robs banks and squirts ink?
→ Billy the Squid.

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
→ Reptiles!

Which big cat should you never play cards with?
→ A cheetah!

Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane, but he's not happy with it.
Instead of pointing with the wind, the pig vane keeps pointing toward the feed trough.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed

- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?

- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?

- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over

- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
→ Isaiah!

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

- There - says the vet.

- Your hamster is dead.

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.

- It's definitely dead sir - says the vet.

Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes:

- That will be L1000, please.

- A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead - fumes the man.

- Well - says the vet.

- There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.

Why was the little bear so spoiled?
→ Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Why did the Ape jump off the building?
→ He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!