Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't?
→ Aardvarks don't have trunks!

What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?
→ Two octopuses shaking hands.

What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
→ A polo bear!

- Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them?

- Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
→ He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!

If - H 2 O - is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
→ K 9 P

What kind of ant can you colour with?
→ A crayant!

What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail?
→ A man holding an aardvark.

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
→ A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ They're trying to get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away its credit cards.

What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?
→ I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
→ A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?
→ A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?
→ No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
→ Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?
→ A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
→ A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.