Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What does the aardvark take sailing?
→ An aard ark!

What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
→ Stuck.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says:

- I'm going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies:

- That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.

- Yes I do!

- Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?

- Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.

- Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?

- Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.

- Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?

- Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.

- Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?

- Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.

- Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?

- Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

Where does the aardvark family always come first?
→ In the phone book!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied:

- That's not good - and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her:

- Hey lady.

She paused and said:

- Yes?

The bird said:

- You know.

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
→ Whale of fortune!

A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."

Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants?
→ They can stick to the subject!

What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs?
→ It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!