Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?
→ Yak the Ripper

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

- Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? - she asked.

- Yeth. - lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

- Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
→ Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
→ Tame way, unique up on him.

What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
→ They're both brown, except the snowball.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort?
→ The Baaahaaamaaas!

Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?
→ He wanted to have webbed feet.

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
→ Wheeeee!!!!!

What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?
→ A bit of a shock really!

What does a squid sheriff form?
→ An octoposse!