Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Which aardvark holds the speed record?
→ The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
→ An aardvark with the sniffles!

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull.

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered:

- Pull, Buster, pull.

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded:

- Pull, Jennie, pull.

Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

- Pull, Buddy, pull.

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said:

- Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

- MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me! - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.

- You're right! - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey!

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

- Good work! - says the bartender.

He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender:

- What was that all about?

The barkeep says:

- Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt.

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says:

- Hey, Mike, look.

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says:

- Mike, I think you really ought to see this.

- Not now! - Mike says again.

- Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?

Bill's voice starts to waver:

- Mike, please, just look!

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps:

- Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!

- Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup!

- It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir!

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
→ Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

- Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?

- Certainly, Sir!

- Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!