Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan?
→ A lardvark!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
→ A carrot! (boom tish!!)

- What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

- Probably learning to read.

A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

- Aw, go on - the little old lady said in disbelief.

- if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said:

- I really get two more wishes?

- Yes - the good fairy assured her.

- Anything your heart desires.

- Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman.

Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.

- Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man.

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.

The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured:

- Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?

What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?
→ A slippery customer.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

- Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied:

- I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick:

- $500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

- Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak!

- They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir!

How should you treat a baby goat?
→ Like a kid.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks:

- Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says:

- No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!