Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines?
He drew 100 cats on the paper.
He thought the teacher had said lions.

What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark?
→ Is that your final ant, sir!

How do ants hide from aardvarks?
→ They disguise themselves as uncles!

Why did the toad cross the road?
→ TO Show his girlfriend he has GUTS!

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Denver and goes to the bartender:

- Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!

And the bartender is like:

- Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here!

And the man is like:

- But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!! See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!

And the bartender says:

- Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!

And the man replies:

- No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!

- Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup!

- Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!

- Waiter! Have you got frogs' legs?

- No, sir, I always walk this way

There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June.

Why? Because that was the end of May!