Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call a pickled aardvark?
→ A jarredvark!

What is black and white and red all over?
→ A panda bear with diaper rash!

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father:

- Dad, what's that thing hanging down?

- That's the elephant's trunk - replies his father.

"No, I mean at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."

"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion:

- Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!

- Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup!

- No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one!

Why don't lobsters share?
→ They're shellfish.

Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?
→ Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies:

- I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says:

- Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues:

- Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.

And the owner says:

- Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.

- All our pigs are learning karate.

- Oh, I don't believe that

- No? Well, just watch out for their chops.

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!