Most viewed jokes

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms.
They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says:

- Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing.

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says:

- Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.

His wife say:

- That's wonderful. What should I pack for...

Europe, the Carribean?
He says:

- I don't care, just be gone when I get home.

What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken?
→ She kicked the bucket!

Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician and she was driving him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and insisted on carrying beauty products in a little field bag - nail polish, hair care products, gels, creams and so on.

One day they were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road when a big rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben pulls over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature.

His blonde partner pipes in and yells:

- Waite, I have just the thing!

She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally she races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with it's contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves goodbye, hops a few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repeats this strange behavior...wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears over the hill.

Ben is amazed and asks:

- What in the world is in that can?

The blonde biologists says:

- Duh...look at the label

You guessed it....

- Hair Spray .... Immediately revives dead hair and creates a permanent wave

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?
→ The road.

Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
→ To draw the curtains!

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

- Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim:

- Wow! It just missed the highway!

What goes "errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh"?
→ A blonde at a blinking red light!

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

- Mother, Mother! - cried the girl.

- He says that we should sleep together!

- It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

- Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!

- It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

- Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!

- Stand back, girl! - says the mother.

- This is a job for a real woman!

Why did God create man?
→ Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.