Most viewed jokes

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.

- Amazing, - said the shocked husband.

- Simply amazing! I just can't believe it.

- What can't you believe? - asked the detective.

- It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.

- I know, I know! - said the man, still in shock.

- I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun.

What happened when the monster kissed his one true love?
→ He left lip prints on the mirror!

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said:

- You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:

- I want you to see this.

She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:

- what do you have to say about this experiment?

He responds by saying:

- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!

As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.

- What's the problem, fellow? - asked his seat mate.

- Surely - said the Englishman.

- you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Pilot says:

- Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean.

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

- Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side.

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement:

- Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... Thank You For Flying Lufthansa.

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:

- Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I can't imagine.

- As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.

- Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

- We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane.

- Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

- There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

- If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children...

Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

- In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

- Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

Pilot:

- We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...

Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Pilot:

- Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

At the end of a flight:

- Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:

- Whoa, big fella...

WHOA..!

- As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

- Last one off the plane must clean it.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
→ Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.