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A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.

All the things my mother taught me:

- My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

- My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

- My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

- My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

- My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry out."

- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

- My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

- My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

- My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

- My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

- My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

- Just give me a chance to show you what I can do - said the skinny man.

- Okay, see that giant redwood over there? - said the lumberjack.

- Take your axe and go cut it down!

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

- I cut the tree down - said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said:

- Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?

- In the Sahara Forest - replied the puny man.

- You mean the Sahara Desert - said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back...

- Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington
Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:

- 2 BATTLE SHIPS

- 600 GROUND TROOPS

- 6 FIGHTER JETS

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

- 2 CANOES

- 6 MOUNTIES

- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

• Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
• Traveling without a passport/towel.
• Trips over cordless phones.
• Truck can't haul a full load.
• Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
• Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
• Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
• Two chapters short of a novel.
• Two degrees off square.
• Two inches taller than spherical.
• Two saucers short of a tea-service.
• Two sheep short of a sweater.
• Two socks short of a pair.
• Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
• Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
• Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
• Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
• Understands English as well as any parrot.
• Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Useful as a chocolate teapot.
• Useful as a football bat.
• Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
• Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
• Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
• Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
• Useful as dinosaur repellent.
• Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
• Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
• Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
• Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

A wife complains:

- A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.

Her husband mumbled:

- Clock always was slow.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

How do you hire a teddy bear?
→ Put him on stilts!

Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?
→ He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
→ A flat back four!