Most viewed jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot:

- You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
→ They can wear casual clothes to work

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?

Once there was this guy, lets call him Fred, who had a very small penis. Poor Fred thought if only he had larger equipment then maybe the chicks would like him more.

One day Fred went into the mens room and a very short man dressed in green was standing there peeing. Well, Fred couldn't help but notice what an enourmous penis the man had and he said as much:

- How did it get so big? - he asked incredulously.

- With magic - the man replied.

- I am a leprechaun.

Fred was amazed:

- Can you make mine that big?

The leprechaun could and said he would if Fred would only do him a small favor...to bend over and let him have his way with Fred. Fred agreed and did so. When they were finished he pulled his pants back up and stood.

- How old are you boy? - the man in green asked as he stood at the door.

- Thirty. Why?

- You're thirty years old and you still believe in leprechauns?

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter:

- Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

St. Peter:

- I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him. - Zebra to God:

- God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

God looks at the zebra sagely and states:

- You are what you are.

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

- What did He say - asks S.P.

- Oh - replies the zebra:

- He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes.

- Oh, that's easy - says S.P.:

- You are white with black stripes.

- How do you know? - asks the zebra:

- Well - says S.P.:

- if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

The sheik explains:

- I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.

- It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.

- Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...

- My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women.

- And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!

The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:B.......66I.......73L.......76L.......76G.......71A.......65T.......84E.......69S.......83........3--------------.......666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence?

Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:M S - D O S 6 . 2 177 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666W I N D O W S 9 587 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666Coincidence? I think not.

Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car?
→ Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.

Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
→ From chasing parked cars.

What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?
→ Are you sure it's yours?

You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy?
→ He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?
→ He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?
→ The duck wins.

In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says:

- I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The guy answers:

- The joke's on you, Johnny...

- Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!

How do you keep a Polak in suspense?