Most viewed jokes

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter:

- Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

St. Peter:

- I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him. - Zebra to God:

- God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

God looks at the zebra sagely and states:

- You are what you are.

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

- What did He say - asks S.P.

- Oh - replies the zebra:

- He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes.

- Oh, that's easy - says S.P.:

- You are white with black stripes.

- How do you know? - asks the zebra:

- Well - says S.P.:

- if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'

What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been seen.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question:

- IS THERE A GOD?

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

- There is now - read the printout.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says:

- Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.

What do polar bears have for lunch?
→ Ice burger!

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him:

- If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.

Who is the smelliest, hairiest monarch in the world?
→ King Pong.

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate:

- How did you loose your leg?

The pirate responded:

- I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked:

- What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?

- No - answered the pirate.

- I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.

Finally, the land-lubber asked:

- I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?

The pirate answered:

- I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.

The land-lubber asked:

- How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?

The pirate snapped:

- It was the day after I got me hook.