Most viewed jokes

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:

- I haven't eaten anything in four days.

She looked at him and said:

- God, I wish I had your willpower.

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown:

- Well, was the pig a male or a female?

- A female, of course - shouted Farmer Brown!

- What do you think I am...some sort of queer?

This fella goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?

The doctor said:

- put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says:

- Drop your pants.

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on. The man then says:

- Doctor it's worked!! What was that?

The doctor replies:

- Lipstick remover

• One node short of a network.
• One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
• One pane short of a window.
• One pearl short of a necklace.
• One prayer short of absolution.
• One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
• One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
• One sentence short of a paragraph.
• One shade short of a rainbow.
• One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
• One ship short of a full fleet.
• One side short of a pentagon.
• One signature short of a book.
• One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
• One snowflake short of a ski slope.
• One song short of a musical.
• One span short of a bridge.
• One step short of the attic.
• One strawberry short of a quart.
• One strike past being called out.
• One sub short of a party platter.
• One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
• One teabag short of a pot.
• One tower short of a castle.
• One tree short of a hammock.
• One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
• One weight short of a shipwreck.
• Only one oar in the water.
• Only playing with 51 cards.
• Only playing with the jokers

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

What is a buttress?
→ A female goat.

What's a vampire's favorite drink?
→ A Bloody Mary.

Why didn't the monster use toothpaste?
→ Because he said his teeth weren't loose.

Can you spell jealousy with two letters?
→ NV (envy).