Most viewed jokes

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him.
He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said:

- What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?

With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called:

- Mister, what's your name?

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said:

- You guess, buddy! You guess!

What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
→ "You have a lot of appeal."

- I've never flown before - said the nervous old lady to the pilot.

- You will bring me down safely, won't you?

- All I can say ma'am, is that I've never left anyone up there yet! - said the pilot.

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked:

- If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered:

- The rest of your life.

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
→ Antteneye!

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

- Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.

- Credits in the column toward the window.

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

- Why yes, of course. - said the owner.

- We have a very wide selection.

But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.

- Well, maybe I have just what you need. - remarked the owner.

- Wait here.

And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.

- Wow, that pretty neat. - said the man.

- But what's so special about it?

- This is the Voodoo dick. - remarked the owner.

- Watch.

Then the owner commanded:

- Voodoo dick, rise.

All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face.

- Voodoo dick, door.

The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.

Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded:

- Voodoo dick, box.

The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced:

- My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?

- Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.

- Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it. - demanded the man.

- No, not for sale.

- $500.

- No, I cannot.

- $700.

- I am sorry.

- $1000.

- Well, ok.

So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife:

- When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest. - explained the man.

The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded:

- Voodoo dick, cunt.

With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.

While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.

- Why in the hell were you driving so crazy? - asked the officer.

- Well officer, - answered the wife.

- I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.

To which the officer responded:

- Voodoo dick, my ass!