Most viewed jokes

- I've never flown before - said the nervous old lady to the pilot.

- You will bring me down safely, won't you?

- All I can say ma'am, is that I've never left anyone up there yet! - said the pilot.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

- Tell me - she said suspiciously - what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?

The actuary looked through his tables and said:

- A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.

She nodded, then thought for a moment.

- So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?

Again he went through his tables.

- Extremely remote - he said.

- About one in a billion.

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

- Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.

- Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

What reads and lives in an apple?
→ A bookworm!

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
→ "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake?
→ A milk shake!

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?
→ The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:

- Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:

- I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say:

- Come on in.

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said:

- Are you the people that broke the window?

- Uh yeah. Sorry about that - the husband replied.

- No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.

- OK great! - the husband said.

- I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

- No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? - the genie said, looking at the wife.

- I want a house in every country of the world - she said.

- Consider it done. - the genie replied.

- And what's your wish genie? - the husband said.

- Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said:

- Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said:

- How old is your husband, anyway?

- 35. - she replied.

- And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!

What do you call a blonde that dies her hair Brown?
→ Artificial intelligence!