Most viewed jokes

- What sort of an act do you do?

- I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth.

- Anything else?

- Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but missed!

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting.

- I've just bought a pig - said the first.

- But where will you keep it? - said the second.

- Your yard's much too small for a pig!

- I'm going to keep it under my bed - replied his friend.

- But what about the smell?

- He'll soon get used to that.

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.

- I need someone with an accounting degree - says the man.

- but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.

- How do you mean? - says the accountant.

- I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.

- OK - says the accountant.

- How much are you offering?

- You can start on seventy-five thousand - says the owner.

- Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?

- That - says the man.

- is your first worry.

Why God Doesn't Have a PhD:

1. He has only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
17. He's been known to associate with prostitutes.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
→ Nothing. They've never met.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

You'd make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks:

- Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?

The guy says:

- Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?

The fella says:

- Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!

One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.

The first man went to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I have lied!

- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.

And so the man drank the water and was "saved".

Then the second man went up to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I have stolen from the jeweler's!

- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.

And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".

The third man went up to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I peed in the Holy water!