Most viewed jokes

When do accountants laugh out loud?
→ When somebody asks for a raise

Consider one of the most perplexing questions of our time: Where do solutions go when a candidate gets elected?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

1. If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women... You might be a Redneck.
2. If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sister's honor... You might be a Redneck.
3. If you walk to school with your dad because you're in the same grade... You might be a Redneck.
4. If you smoke at your wedding... You might be a Redneck.
5. If your dog and wallet are both on a chain... You might be a Redneck.
6. And last but certainly not least, if you see a sign that says "Say No to Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a Redneck.

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said:

- Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?

The priest laughed:

- Because, my son, I am a Father!

The Polak scratched his head:

- But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!

Again the priest laughed:

- But I am a Father of thousands!

To which the Polak replied:

- Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem. One says:

- my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?

The old man replies:

- Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said:

- God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?

God replied:

- Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling:

- God, God, they're gone, they're gone!

- Who, the New Yorkers?

- No, the Pearly Gates.

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

- Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!

- That's great - his wife said.

- Yeah, I thought so too - he agreed.

- You start on Monday.

What is a buttress?
→ A female goat.