Most viewed jokes

• Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
• Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
• Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
• More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
• Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
• Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
• Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
• Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
• Needs another brain to make half-wit.
• Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
• Needs front end alignment.
• Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
• Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
• Network constantly loses packets.
• Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
• Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
• Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
• Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
• Nine pence in the shilling.
• Nine rooms no furniture.
• Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
• No charge in her synapses.
• No coins in the old fountain.
• No filter in the coffeemaker.
• No grain in the silo.
• No hands on the rudder/yoke.
• No hay in the loft.
• No one at the throttle.
• No wind in her mind's windmills.
• Not all his dogs are barking.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution:

- You don't want to try these techniques at home.

- Why not? - asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

- Did it save time? - the person in the audience asked.

- Actually, yes - replied the expert.

- It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.

- For our Twentieth, I'm taking my wife to Australia.

- That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth?

- I'm going to go back and get her.

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a wasp?
→ Something that stinks and stings!

Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?
→ He was a ghoulsniffer.

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done.

- Not at all - said the blind man. I only wanted to find out which end to kick.

Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom.

Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face.

- Where have you been? - demanded the worried look out.

- The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn't find the soap and a towel.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Funeral Home Barbie ...complete with hearse, coffin and kicky little shroud

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer ...an excellent Holiday gift idea

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Witch Doctor Barbie ...with potions and face paints