Most viewed jokes

Why are men like commercials?
→ You can't believe a word they say.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said:

- Buffalo Come!

And the Lone Ranger said:

- How do you know Tonto?

Tonto replied:

- Ear stuck to ground...

- $HOME = /dev/null.

- 3K RAM free, no EMS.

- A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

- A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.

- A 20th century man... The guy has no future.

- A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.

- A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.

- A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.

- A couple of slates short of a full roof.

- A couplet short of a sonnet.

- A cup and saucer short of a place setting.

- A day late and a dollar short.

- A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.

- A doughnut short of being a cop.

- A few beads short in her rosary.

- A few beans short of chili.

- A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.

- A few birds shy of a flock.

- A few blocks short of a filesystem.

- A few bombs/melons short of a full load.

- A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.

- A few chips short of a cookie.

- A few clowns short of a circus.

- A few clues shy of a solution.

- A few cold solder joints.

- A few ears short of a bushel.

- A few feathers short of a whole duck.

- A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.

- A few fish short of a string.

- A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

• Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
• Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
• Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
• Not done evolving yet.
• Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
• Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
• Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
• Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
• Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
• Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
• Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
• Not hard-docked.
• Not inflated to 90 PSI.
• Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
• Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
• Not only rude, but ugly too.
• Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
• Not running on full thrusters.
• Not shooting pool on a level table.
• Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
• Not the full quid.
• Not the same since they took him off his medication.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
• Not Turing equivalent.
• Not wrapped too tight.
• Nothing between the stethoscopes.
• Nothing on her radar.
• Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
• Number 'n a hake. (New England expression a notoriously stupid fish.)
• Nutty as a fruitcake.

• I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
• I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
• Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
• You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
• You should have been born in the Dark Ages you look terrible in the light.
• All of your ancestors must number in the millions it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
• I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
• They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
• After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
• You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
• I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!

Where do sharks come from?
→ Sharkago!

Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
→ Squidnappers!

Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said:

- Whatever shall we do?

- Let us spray! - replied the other.

What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
→ He had to get a new goat!