Most viewed jokes

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- You know stuff about tanks.

- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

- You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

- You can leave the motel bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

- If you are 34 and single nobody notices.

- Everything on your face stays its original color.

- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. (WHAT???? LOL..)

- Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.

- You don't mooch off other's desserts.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"

- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

- You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

- Your belly usually hides your big hips.

- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

- 12% Monday

- 23% Tuesday

- 40% Wednesday

- 20% Thursday

- 5% Friday

Why did the blond jump off the bridge?
→ To see if her maxipad really had wings..

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
→ Frost-bite!

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
→ The ZIP Code.

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around. ."48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated."46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."45. "Alright already, _I_came."44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."35. "Bring in the Gimp."34. "Hold that pose."33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."31. Sing "Shake your bootie."30. "A little to the left."29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"28. "Is there room for two in there?"27. "Two words: penis extension."26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6. 9. 22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes. 21. "Maybe it would help if you. ."20. "That's what you call erect?"19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard. ."18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."14. "May I cut in?"13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."7. "Let's make a sandwich."6. "Is that hard enough for you?"5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"4. "I think you dropped something."3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says:

- I bet you are a surgeon

She confirms and asks how he knew.

- Easy, you're always washing your hands.

She then says:

- I bet you're an anesthesiologist.

- Male doctor: Wow, how did you guess?

- Female doctor: I didn't feel a thing!

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
→ You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
→ A mechanic!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
→ The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she's 18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
→ Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
→ "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex
→ "Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
→ It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
→ When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
→ Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

How can you tell a macho women?
→ She rolls her own tampons.

What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
→ Crust.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.