Most viewed jokes

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says:

- OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

- Who the heck's that? - she says.

- It's Paul McCartney - he replies.

- Doesn't look like him at all - says she.

- Now get it right or I'll report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off:

- No way that's Paul Mccartney - she says.

- It bloody well is - says the man.

- Listen I'll get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)...:

- Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice):

- I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

- Man: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.

- God: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.

- Man: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.

- God: I know I made them for her so you would love her.

- Man: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.

- God: I know.. I made her that way so she could love YOU!

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- As smart as bait.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

- Receiver is off the hook.

- Surfing in Nebraska.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- A few beers short of a six-pack.

- A few peas short of a casserole.

- The cheese slid off his cracker.

- Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

- Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy.

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. - You'll find them easily - he says.

- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

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Jack and Jill were getting married. Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says:

- I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.

- I can't wear these, she said.

- Darn right, he said. I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that.

- I think I'll try that on Jill - Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

- Put these on, he said.

- I can't wear these, Jill replied.

- Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that, he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

- I can't get in to these, he said.

- Darn right, Jill said. And if you don't change your attitude you never will!

How do you weigh a whale?
→ On Whale Weigh Scales.