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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

- 1,228 - he answered.

- That's right! You may enter.

St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

- Name them.

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There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.

Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

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Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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  1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.
  10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
  12. My Reality Check bounced.
  13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said:

- If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop.

The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said:

- Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops.

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said:

- Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!

Finally, the girl turned and said:

- Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!

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