Most viewed jokes

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks?
→ A snout bout!

Complete the following word analogy:

Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above
→ Number 4.

If Atheists don't belive in God......can they get insured for an act of god?

A woman's three biggest lies...

1. You're the Biggest.
2. You're the Best.
3. It doesn't always taste like that.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled:

- Just what the hell you are doing?!

- Well - said the guy - you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!

- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! - the guy replied.

- I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says:

- OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

- Who the heck's that? - she says.

- It's Paul McCartney - he replies.

- Doesn't look like him at all - says she.

- Now get it right or I'll report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off:

- No way that's Paul Mccartney - she says.

- It bloody well is - says the man.

- Listen I'll get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)...:

- Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice):

- I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother.

- Did you like the parrot? - he asked her.

- Oh yes - she replied.

- It was delicious.

- WHAT! - the man cried.

- You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!

The mother paused for a moment and then said:

- So why didn't he say something?

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says:

- Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says:

- Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up:

- Have you found Jesus? - the preacher asked.

- Nooo, I didn't! - said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says:

- Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

- Noooo, I have not, Reverend.

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone:

- My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...:

- Are you sure this is where he fell in?