Most viewed jokes

- Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks

- USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.

- It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!

- I break for hallucinations

- My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer

- Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)

- DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!

- Nuck Fewt

- ORGASM DONOR

- My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall

- No radio. Already stolen.

- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

- So many pedestrians, so little time.

- My other wife is beautiful.

- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

- There is one in every crowd and they always find me.

- I love animals - They taste great!

- I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.

- Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!

- On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window...

- Young lady - he began - I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh - he began - and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say - he continued - if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates - St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:

- No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):

- Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California:

- Slow Parking Ahead

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:

- Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store:

- Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot

- Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
→ Isaiah!

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

- Madam, - he said in a broken voice - I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.

- How terrible! - exclaimed the preacher's wife.

- May I ask who you are?

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.

- I'm the landlord - he sobbed.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:

- I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining:

- I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them.

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said:

- Small World!

- Honey - said this husband to his wife.

- I invited a friend home for supper.

- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!

- I know all that.

- Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

- Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.

Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked:

- what did you think of the scenery?

- Oh, I couldn't see much - Harry admitted.

- There were all these mountains in the way.