Most viewed jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey: "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions."
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK + BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.

- I hear sirens. Jump! - said the first one.

- But we're on the 13th floor! - said the second one.

- This is no time to be superstitious - the first one screamed back.

What's black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.?
→ A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!

What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes?
→ A banana split!

- Farmer: Did you sleep well last night?

- Guest: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept pushing at the door.

- Farmer: Never mind her. She always gets upset when we rent out her room.

When is a farmer like a magician?
→ When he turns his cow to pasture.

- I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present.

- What did you get her?

- A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20.

- 20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!

What birds are found in Portugal?
→ Portu-geese!

The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down.

- Geez, are you lucky.

- What do you mean by lucky? I got hurt really bad.

- Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus.