Most viewed jokes

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants?
→ They can stick to the subject!

Why did the condom fly across the room??
→ It got pissed off!!!

Where does Bill Clinton have sex?
→ In the oral office.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - replied the teacher.

- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over:

- Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her.

- I dunno, Victor - said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.

- Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs.

Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.

- Nope - said Stanley at last.

- Anya was a lot taller.

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says:

- What are those thangs?

The driver says:

- Those are golf tees.

The redneck asks:

- What those are for?

The driver says:

- Those hold my balls when I drive.

The redneck says:

- Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

- What are you doing? - asked the Mom.

- Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

- What the hell are you doing? - he asked.

His daughter replied:

- I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

- For Christ's sake, what are you doing? - she cried.

The husband replied:

- What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!