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You might be a redneck when you say ho-down and your girlfriend hits the ground.

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."

The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said:

- Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.

Preacher says:

- Its right in the book of Matthew. She said:

- No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!

He said, "It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!"

• Off by one.
• Off his rocker/trolley.
• Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
• On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
• On the batting end of a no-hitter.
• One bit short of a byte/word.
• One board short of a porch.
• One boot stuck in the sand.
• One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
• One bun/donut short of a dozen.
• One car short of a chase scene.
• One card/marble shy of a full deck.
• One chip short of a megabyte.
• One clearance short of landing/taking off.
• One color short of color-coordinated.
• One diamond short of a ring.
• One dimension short of reality.
• One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
• One drop short of an empty bladder.
• One flower short of an arrangement.
• One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
• One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One fruit short of a basket.
• One gene short of a full chromosome.
• One goose short of a gaggle.
• One handle short of a suitcase.
• One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
• One inspection short of passing.
• One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
• One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!

And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!

And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

- Cindy, you have sinned.

Why was the lion-tamer fined?
→ He parked on a yellow lion!

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said:

- Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked:

- Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?

The dying man said:

- Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, where's my hundred dollars?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said:

- Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

- This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.

The patient is pleased. He asks:

- What were their jobs?

- One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.

- I'll take the accountant's heart - says the patient.

- I want one that hasn't been used.

How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
→ He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

You should "never" drink during tax season.

- You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!