Most viewed jokes

What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
→ Stuck.

A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?

She thought and answered..:

- is it on or off?

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.

For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says:

- We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks.

- Okay - the man says.

- I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.

- We pronounce it rubbit - says the clerk.

- Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.

- We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear.

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks:

- Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?

OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)

John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.

The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed:

- Where's my ice cream cone?

- Well - he said - I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too.

She was incensed and cried:

- You shellfish bastard!!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion:

- What seems to be the problem?

The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband:

- Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

The husband scratched his head and replied...

- I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked:

- Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?

Looking her over carefully, Harold replied:

- Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.

- Oh, you flatterer! - she gushed.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Harold interrupted.

- I haven't added them up yet.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a realtor's office:

- Lots for little.

Sign in a shoe store:

- Come in and have a fit.

Sign in a maternity clothes store:

- We are open on labor day.

Sign in a non-smoking area:

- If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:

- Push Push Push.

Sign at entrance of the IRS:

- Watch your step.

Sign at the exit of the IRS:

- Watch your mouth.

Sign in a bookstore:

- We treat you write.

Sign on a front door:

- Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board