Most viewed jokes

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said:

- Stop! Don't do it!

- Why shouldn't I? - he said.

I said:

- Well, there's so much to live for!

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said:

- Die, heretic scum! - and pushed him off.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them:

- If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said:

- I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
→ They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
→ Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
→ Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
→ So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
→ Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
→ A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
→ A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
→ Wheeeee!!!!!

Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
→ Because he wasn't a Fin whale!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
→ A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)

What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars?
→ Jack-u-la!