Most viewed jokes

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink?
→ Gravi-tea!

Safety Tip: Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive

Temperatures

- 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

- 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

- 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

- 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

- 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

- 32 degrees - Water freezes.

- 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.

- 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

- 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

- 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

- 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

- 5 degrees - American cars don't start.

- 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

- -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

- -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

- -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

- -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

- -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.

- -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.

- -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.

- -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

- -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

- -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

- Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

- Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

- Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

- Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

- Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

- Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

- Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

- Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

- Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

- Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard:

- All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

- For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered:

- Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!

Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said:

- I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.

The mother went nuts and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

- All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue:

- For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added:

- For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.