Most viewed jokes

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said:

- I would like a cheeseburger.

The librarian replied:

- Shh! This is a library!

The blonde blushed. oh, sorry.. then she whispered:

- I would like a cheeseburger.

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
→ Whale of fortune!

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

- Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone - the guide said - Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.

- We can't be here tomorrow - the nasty woman shouted.

- We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.

- Well now - the guide said - it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.

- And I suppose you've kissed the stone - the woman scoffed.

- No, ma'am - the frustrated guide said - but I've sat on it.

- Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.

- Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
→ Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

Where does the aardvark family always come first?
→ In the phone book!

What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs?
→ It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied:

- That's not good - and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her:

- Hey lady.

She paused and said:

- Yes?

The bird said:

- You know.

How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

• Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 8 oz. skim milk
• Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herb tea, 1 Oreo cookie
• Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package, 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce
• Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke, 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza, 3 Snickers bars
• Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS