A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.
"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says:
- I'm going to become a lion tamer.
The other replies:
- That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.
- Yes I do!
- Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?
- Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.
- Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?
- Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.
- Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?
- Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.
- Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?
- Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.
- Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?
- Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.
How can you tell elephants love to travel?
→ They are always packing their trunk!
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks:
- Religion?
The man says:
- Methodist.
St. Peter looks down his list, and says:
- Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.
- Religion?
- Baptist.
- Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
A third man arrives at the gates.
- Religion?
- Jewish.
- Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
The man says:
- I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?
St. Peter tells him:
- Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush?
→ The Naked Ape!
- Wife: Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?
- Husband: Because I don't want to wake you.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Chernobyl Barbie ...glows in the dark
I got a letter from my sister.
She just had a baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl.
So I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
All about smoking:
Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.
I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.
Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.
Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.
The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.
I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
→ To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
→ A tick falls off you when you die !
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog!
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer, twice !!
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?
→ Chelsea Clinton.
It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?
→ Lipstick !
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane?
→ Skeet.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
→ Not enough sand.
Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?
→ Professional courtesy !
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!
