Most viewed jokes

How do you know you've been kidnapped by a redneck?
→ He's asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says:

- Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.

- Great - replies Sam.

- After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops.

- Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'.

- Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

- More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too.

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself.

- Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that is not a problem - Sam says.

- I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

- By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...:

- Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.

What did the snail say when he climbed onto the turtles back?
→ WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

Johnny goes to his mother and demands:

- Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!

To this his mother replies:

- Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.

Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:

Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims:

- Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says:

- honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!

The groom replies:

- I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon.

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed sniff notices this awful smell! sniff sniff Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! sniff What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims:

- Honey, there's shit in your box!!!

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room:

- Turn her over, turn her over!

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says:

- Help me, help me.

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

Replies the elephant:

- Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant:

- Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy:

- Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

- It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

- Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!

A girl goes on a blind date.

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, her date suddenly said:

- Hey! You wanna see my underwear?

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said:

- Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Outside a country shop:

- We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:

- Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:

- Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church:

- Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

- Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster:

- Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:

- No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway:

- When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:

- If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."