Most viewed jokes

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
→ A wonkey!

- Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
→ Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

Why do women live longer than men?
→ Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies:

- Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded:

- Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news:

- I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said:

- You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . ."

BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.

The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.

Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

- Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather? - said one Herr Schwein.

- In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

- On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

- Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

- In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

- On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

- At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

- On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

- On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat."

- On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

- At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

- On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

- In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

- In a Beauty Shop, "We curl up and Dye for you."

- On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

- In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

- Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

- In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?
→ The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

A Male's Response

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.