Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
- Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses.
The blonde says to the redhead:
- isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?
The redhead says, yes it is.
The blonde responds by saying:
- Oh you are so lucky.
The redhead says:
- No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.
The blonde says:
- Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in?
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies:
- I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says:
- I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.
The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies:
- I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica.
- Why are you taking so long to order?
- I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said:
- I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?
So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
- I think, dear - said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise - that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts.
And a voice from the door said:
- If you do that I won't go.
- Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town?
- Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:
- Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
- Where's my change? - asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds:
- Change must come from within.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says:
- I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
- Pop, what are you talking about? - the son screams.
- We can't stand the sight of each other any longer - the old man says:
- We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone:
- Like hell they're getting divorced - she shouts:
- I'll take care of this. She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man:
- You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife:
- Okay - he says:
- they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
What do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight?
→ A well 'aardvark!
- Tech Support: How may I help you today, sir?
- Customer: Hello...hey, er... I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer.
- Tech Support: Why is that, sir?
- Customer: I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'.
- Tech Support: Yes...?
- Customer: Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer.
